So I had this really great high school boyfriend. Anthony Arena. I mean as far as high school boyfriends go, Anthony was pretty great. He made me laugh all the time, it’s pretty much all we did, besides make out and do it. He was the guy that for my birthday gave me a Bad Brains tape and a really pretty pair of earrings. He was good that way. He opened doors for me, put his hand on my back in crowds, he was respectful to women, loved his mom, had good friends, my parents thought the world of him, my brothers liked him a lot, he liked to hold my hand, look into my eyes and whenever he would say my name he put his hand on his package which just cracked me up. He didn’t realize he did that but he did. If we fought, I don’t remember, I mean, I remember at my prom we fought, I think because I spent the whole night gabbing with my friend Dave James who went to Pub High but was at our party. I remember Anthony got pissed and called me a butana which him being all Italian all the time was like the ultimate insult. But anyway, this isn’t about our prom.
Ok, this is about how Anthony and I started dating in my Junior year, he was a Sophomore (I am recently realizing I have always dug on the younger gentlemen) and I guess he had been after me for a while. Wait, I don’t guess it I know it. And it was pretty awesome, that dude chased me for like a year. He showed up, saw me and told me “you’re gonna be my girlfriend Alexis Croucher.” And honestly, at first, I didn’t believe him. He was persistent though, and massively charming for a 16 year old and he won me over, he made me laugh a lot. What can I say? I’m a sucker for a funny guy. Ok, so, he went away to Italy for the summer and then got back and then we fell all crazy in love and then we did it on his bed with Empire Strikes Back sheets for the first time. I mean, it wasn’t either of our “first time” but it was our first time together and we were nuts about each other and there was Han Solo and Ben Kenobi giving us their approval so it was pretty awesome. After that we did it a lot. Like every chance we could. In the car, in his basement, at the drive in, his house, my house, in a field, on the golf course, he came, I came and then winter came and then winter break came and then Christmas came and funny thing, when was my last period? Uhhh, it hadn’t come. Yeah, the last time it came, it was well before Thanksgiving. Like closer to Halloween. When I hit 34 days and no period I started praying. Rana started praying. Anthony started praying. Anthony’s friend Geoff started praying. Personally, I was doing the rosary nightly. I was stopping in church pretty much every day. I remember Rana got her period like 2 times during the time that I had not got it and she would hug me and say “my uterus is strong and it’s gonna make yours bleed.” It didn’t. I mean, I was a teenager, I was in dance class 6 days a week it wasn’t totally weird for me to be late but that usually meant like 2 days late. I was into 8 days and my birthday was coming and I had no idea how to say “Hey Mom remember when you gave birth to me? Cool huh? I’m preggers.”
I didn’t have to do it that way, because my mom, she’s a nurse and she’s a woman and so one day during said Christmas break, after Christmas before New Year’s and before my birthday I was helping my mom gather laundry and she said, “Hey, when was the last time you had your period? Do you need to go to your brother’s today and get an adjustment?” And I said, “Uhhh, I’m thinking mom, maybe I don’t need a chiropractor so much.” Ok then! My mom, she went all business. She might as well have busted out her old timey nursing hat because she went full on RN on me. She started in with the questions. When was the last time you had sex? Uhhhh, yesterday. And what are you using? Using? Yes what kind of contraception are you using? I know you’ve been educated in it, and I know you’re not stupid so what kind of contraception are you using? Oh, condoms, every time (which was true, even though we were dumb teenagers). What else? Uhhhh, what else? Yes, What else? What other contraceptive are you using? Uhhhh, nothing? She pursed her lips. She brusquely handed me the laundry basket, said “Sort this” and got in her car. She came back about 20 minutes later and said “Let’s go upstairs Alexis…….NOW.” Upstairs to the bathroom we went, my dad was lifting weights down in the basement and she said “here, pee on this” and I said “but I already peed this morning” and she said “That doesn’t matter, pee on this now.” So I dropped trough and peed.
After ten luxurious, carefree minutes sitting on the edge of the tub with my mom desperately trying to think of anything to say and actually coming up with nothing for the only time in my life a very pink plus sign came up. Very pink. Very plus. I immediately did what I do best. I started crying. My father had finished his workout and was coming up the stairs, heard me and rapped on the door. Dad: ”What’s wrong with my baby girl?” Mom: ”Your baby girl is just a little bit pregnant.” Dad: ”………………oh.”
Now, Anthony was actually on his way over to my house, his mom was dropping him off. He was 16 years old and I was 17 about to turn 18 in like 3 days. He had no fucking idea the shit storm he was about to walk into. My mom told me to stop crying and wash my face, she told me to calm myself down so I could tell Anthony. Perfect right? Calm yourself down so you can hyperventilate and throw up on your boyfriend’s shoes when you tell him his life is over. I remember my father told me he loved me and that it would be ok. In my head all I heard was: No it wouldn’t! No it wouldn’t! No it wouldn’t! I was supposed to go to France that summer, I was starting college in the fall. I had a really big dance show in 5 months. I was a freaking teenager! I have no idea what my mom and dad did but I guess it was something along the lines of a very serious hushed tones conversation in the bedroom where I was probably referred to as “your daughter” by both of them. Anthony showed up, said good bye to his ma, (thank gawd Rafaella didn’t stop in to say hello that day because you cannot lie to that woman, I don’t care who you are, Bill Clinton could not lie to that woman) came upstairs and found me sitting there all smiles and hugs and kisses and hey you should sit down for a sec, hey, babe, I wicked love you, like more than anything in the world and umm I’m pregnant.
And that’s when the tears came. This time not mine. I crushed that guys whole life in 2.4 seconds. He looked at me and said “but I’m just a kid.” Sweet jeebus how were we gonna get through this day let alone the next 9 months to a lifetime? We started by him calling his brother out in New Mexico who talked him down and told him NOT to tell his mother. Do NOT call mom. Repeat: Do NOT CALL MOM. Not yet. He would come up with a way to do it but in the meantime do NOT tell her. If you want to live another day you will not tell Ma. So we went downstairs to face my parents who I really can’t say enough were handling this way cooler than I would have ever thought. So we get downstairs, my mom was on the phone and she hung up looked at us both and said “I’m calling the hospital, we’re getting you an appointment today, I want you take the hospital test….You better hope your Italian Stallion boyfriend is shooting blanks.”
My mom gets on the phone and in some sort of code doublespeak she makes an emergency appointment for me in like 15 minutes. So I get in the car with my mom and leave my poor 16 year old boyfriend alone in the house with my father. I guess he took our dog Chi out immediately for a very long walk. My father got on the horn with my brothers and told them what was up and I guess 2 of them immediately went to church and prayed for me and the other thought good thoughts for me.
My mom and I got to the hospital and went up to the third floor that I knew so well. I had gone to visit her in the nursery many times. Like, easily 3-4 times a week my entire life. I knew all the nurses and doctors and always stopped and chatted with them all. This time, huh, yeah, not so much with the chatting. We get on the third floor and my mom breezes us past the front desk with all of the nurses looking at me with a very concerned look on their faces. My cheeks were burning red hot and I was sweating through my shirt. She pushed open a door I had never gone through and it opened onto a hallway that of course looked to me like the basement in Jacob’s Ladder and I was waiting for the experiments to begin. And they did.
I was seated in a waiting room with 4 very pregnant women. Most of them weren’t much older then me and a few were but it didn’t matter, I was sure they all knew why I was there and I was very sure that they were judging me. It was like when I passed the nurses, I know now they weren’t but I was so ashamed I was sure everyone was casting a very harsh judgement on me. I wanted to stand up in the waiting room and scream “THAT’S RIGHT! I SCREWED MY BOYFRIEND AND EVEN THOUGH WE ALWAYS USED A CONDOM I SOMEHOW ENDED UP HERE! SO WHAT’S IT TO YOU HUH? YOU WANT TO GO? YOU WANT A PIECE OF THIS?” Alexis Croucher? The doctor will see you now. Oh, ok, I look at my mom through my tear filled eyes and she says, well, go on. I get up and go in and the nurse hands me a cup and says here honey, go pee into this. I say but I already did that this morning. She says that’s ok, this test is never wrong. And I say but I mean we already took a test and I’ve peed a bunch already today. And she says, really honey, that’s ok, this is the HOSPITAL test. Ok, so I go and pee and then I go and get on the table for the first time. You always have to wait, I know that now, but at 17, I had no idea just how long 10 minutes could feel like laying mostly naked with a paper napkin covering you and your legs in stirrups.
The very nice doctor gives me an exam and then says you can get dressed and wait outside. I go back outside with my mom and we’re in the waiting room and the doctor, he goes into the office and then I hear Alexis Croucher, could you come here please? I go up to the office, my mother’s lips are still pursed. And the nice nurse is smiling at me and the doctor is standing behind her and he is smiling and she says “the test is negative honey.” And I say “yeah I know!” In my head, negative is bad and bad is pregnant. And she laughs and says “No honey, negative, you’re not pregnant.” And I say “MOOOOOMMMMMMMMMM!!!!!!!!” So she comes in and we turn into the ending of a Simpson’s episode where they have run out of script. We just stand around the desk and laugh. The doctor is saying something about stress and that I’ll probably get it in 24 hours and my mother is saying yes, she gets very stressed out. And then there’s talk about me going on The Pill and my mother is in total agreement with that and I am kind of like uhhh, sure yeah ok. I knew many girls who were on The Pill, but they all had these really great moral excuses like, they had bad cramps or bad skin. I was the first girl I knew to be like, well, I’m on The Pill because I screw my boyfriend and we don’t want to get pregnant. It was a pretty big statement in that town.
So we get back to good old 7th Street and I leap out of the car and run into the house and there’s no Anthony! Dad, where’s Anth? My dad, he’s already out the door saying get in the car, we’ll go find him, he left with Chi about an hour ago. We drive down the street and find him in front of our high school with the dog. I leap out and my dad drives on. I give back this 16 year old boy his life and we go back to my house to have one of the more surreal days ever with my family. After Anthony went home that night my mom says I think it’s a good idea for you to go on The Pill and I say ok but you know mom we’re never gonna have sex again. Like, we are never EVER gonna do that again because we don’t want to EVER go through that again. And then my mom, she lays down one of those truths that she is known for. She looks me square in the eye and says “Alexis, sex is like chocolate cake, you can tell yourself all you want that you are never gonna have any again but the fact of the matter is, chocolate cake is delicious and you are gonna have it again the first chance you get.”
So yeah, the next night was New Year’s Eve and Anthony and I had dinner plans and we went to Canale’s for dinner and then we were making out in the car and yeah, we waited. Like 10 minutes. And about 45 minutes after that, as soon as we got back to my house, I got my period. That night, as we sat in my parents living room watching the ball drop in NYC my father, he came in and gave us both a glass of wine and toasted us. He toasted US! He said he was proud to know kids who were as honest and good as us. My mother stopped pursing her lips and laughed.
