Growing up with three older brothers, as much as I wanted to dance and twirl in the prettiest frock I could find while flirting and batting eyelashes at boys, I also wanted to have bruises, give bruises, push, shove and go full out as fast as I could no matter what I was doing. When it came to sports, I never played Rugby or Field Hockey due to the fact that those teams didn’t exist in Oswego so I was a year round soccer player and 6 day a week dance class girl. In NYC I got a lot of the rough and tumble action on the subway and just walking down the street and then the rest with my dance squad for LAByrinth Theater Company.
I moved to Rochester on December 31st. I joined the Roc City Roller Derby team on January 20th. I went to my first practice February 4th. I solidified my name on February 19th. The Sinister Serb Natasha Musquashya #718 (I represent Queens). The first few weeks of practice I learned how to fall. Single leg falls, rockstars, supermans. I started to make some friends and found an apartment/house with a backyard through my teammate Tippi Heathen who would later become my derby wife.
Let me back up here, I went to my first adult open skate at Horizons on February 3rd. The only thing I can say about it was that it was absolutely fantastic. I went by myself as I do most things now as you know, when you move to a new city and don’t have that many friends, you like, go out, by yourself. A lot. Ok, so I get there and it was everything I could ever hope for from an adult open skate. It was like being in Central Park in front of the bandshell on the first really nice day, when all the skaters come out to show their wares. There were the older guys, grey haired men who had sweet old cases for their skates. Their skates had bells on the laces, they wore light colored polo shirts tucked into bell bottom khakis. They danced like Gene Kelly in Xanadu. There were young boys with wet looking gelled hair, gold chains and nylon track suits who wore rollerblades and did jumping tricks in front of the girls. Then there were the dancers. They made it for me. They could do moves on skates that most people can’t do on solid non moving feet. And then the derby girls arrived.
You can tell them for a few reasons. A) they all have clothes and stickers that say RCRD on everything. B) they all actually wear elbow and knee pads and wrist guards and C) they are all badass looking.
I had already skated around a bunch and found I could skate by the time the derby girls got there, and when I saw them with all the protective gear on, I thought to myself hmmm, I’m a massage therapist now, I should maybe go put my wrist guards on so I don’t break my wrists or hands. So I put them on, got back out on the rink and Coach Awesome skates up to me and says, “hey, so, do you like to wear your wrist guards like that?” I had never put on a wrist guard, I had never worn any protective sports gear besides shin guards and spanky pants. Apparently I had them on backwards.
I went over to the side and Coach Awesome and his girlfriend who started the entire Roc City Roller Derby league Resident Eva came over and showed me how to adjust my skates so I could be faster and how to wear my gear appropriately. I was so happy the whole way home I couldn’t stop grinning. Did I mention that the music at an open skate is every song you ever wanted to hear? Freakazoid, Let me clear my throat, The choice is yours, Push it…
So at practices, I was often in newby end, learning how to fall, do crossovers, whip and hit. Soon I started to join the beginning drills before Connect Four and Scrimmaging started. After a few weeks of opening drills, Coach Awesome was running a non hitting scrimmage drill and I was watching on the side to learn more and Lightin Lainey looks over at me, smiles and says “HEY! NATASHA!! It’s time girl.” And in I went.
I didn’t like derby from that point forward, I frickity frackity LOVED it. Like, more than any other sport I’d ever tried. More than running, biking, cheerleading, dancing, volleyball. Like anything. I loved it more than making out and I totally love making out. I loved the hitting, I loved the strategy, I loved the speed. I adjusted my skates every practice so I could go faster. I tried every position; Pivot, Back blocker, Outside blocker, Inside blocker and eventually Jammer. I talked about derby as much as anyone would let me. I trained on my days off to strengthen my legs so I could get faster. Lightin Lainey told me to do squats when I did the dishes and brushed my teeth. I did. Coach Awesome pulled me, Asa Clubs and Jessikaboom aside one night and told us that he thought we were excelling fast and that the biggest thing we had to be aware of was the possibility of injury. He suggested more strength training and strategy planning. On all the websites about derby I had read, every single one of them had said the same thing, it’s not about whether or not you’re going to get hurt, it’s about when.
I put that to the back of my brain and played smart and played hard and got better and better every time. Our first intraleague bout was coming up and I was picked for Hater Tot’s team. I told her I was willing to Jam in the bout. I emailed all my friends and told them to buy their tickets. They started talking about making signs and tee shirts with 718 on them. I know you can tell where this is going. The practice before the meet and greet, 2 weeks before the bout, the last scrimmage of the night I jumped in again to jam.
That entire practice girls were falling and dropping like flies around an electric buzzer thingy on a hot august night. During one jam every girl but 2 fell. At one point I watched Harriet Beecher Ass hurdle over Bomb Voyage and VenJence VonSlay who had both fallen right in front of her. The floor was slippery that night and I had just loosened my trucks and wheels, again.
So, last jam, me and Synthetic Delusion are jamming, whistle blows the pack leaves, double whistle we take off. I sprint hard and get low and look for pockets. I make it through, am lead jammer and take off in a dead sprint again to get to that pack again. I am flying faster than I think I’ve ever gone and I am headed straight into the pack, I get pushed to the outside and I straighten up and miss a hit. We are coming around a curve and I see the straight away of the rink and I am sure I can skate fast enough to get ahead of the pack. Eva sees me and gets right next to me and starts pushing me out of bounds. Then something happened. I’m not sure what, but she went down and I think maybe I jumped over her and I definitely went straight into a concrete wall.
As the wall got close I said in my head “DON’T USE YOUR HANDS!” My body simply did not listen, up my hands went and I heard the crunch and saw my pinky and ring finger get bent in 2 different directions. I was on the ground cursing a blue truckdriver worthy streak. I knew what I had done. I had just screwed the pooch. I had shat the bed. I had just broken my money maker when I had finally gotten to the point where I was making money. In the short time I had started my private practice as a Massage Therapist here in Rochester I was halfway to a full client list. I was entering the pay off school section and in one stupid move I was back to zero.
One of the refs came over and asked if I thought I broke my hand, I think it was Iron Ref but it could have been Vas Reference I don’t remember at that point. My response was thrusting my already swelling and completely mangled hand in his face and barking “WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU THINK???” I was mad. Resident Eva and Asa Clubs said they were going to the hospital with me, Muffy Stepheles said I could reschedule my appointmentf for the next morning I had with her. Steel Candi took off my skates. Coach Wheelie and Coach Awesome took off my gear. Someone kept asking me who they should call in case of emergency. I didn’t have anyone really, except my oldest brother, and he lives in Oswego about an hour and a half away. They asked what about my husband, nope. What about your boyfriend, nuh uh. Just me. And why is that so important? Will it unbreak my hand if I’m betrothed to someone? Stop asking me that! When Coach Awesome took off my wrist guard and accidentally bumped my broken fingers, without thinking I immediately hauled off and punched him in the kidney with my left hand. Yeah, I was angry.
Tippi Heathen drove me as fast as she could while being safe to the ER, we got in and I was dipping pretty deeply into shock. Laughing and sounding pretty drunk I staggered up to the front desk and said I needed a doctor. Tippi and I both started snapping photos with our phones. I made a call to my friend George to see if he could come get me after this was all over, or if he knew where our friend Kurt was, he lived closer. George told me I sounded like I’d been boozing it up hard, I was slurring my words and taking a lot of time to answer simple questions. I wasn’t feeling any pain, I was shivering and I felt drunk. Asa and Eva showed up and all the security guards and front desk guys could no longer conceal smiles or questions.
“So, ladies, may we ask, why you are all dressed like that?” I think Asa, Eva and Tippi explained I got called to the back. Hours passed and every 15 minutes someone came in and asked me who they should call to come get me. ”Where’s your husband? Then your boyfriend? You don’t have any family here? No one?” Kurt called me back when I was giving more info to a very patient nurse who was asking me to please describe my pain scale. It had been only about a 5 or 6, then while on the phone shock left me and pain showed up totally ready to party and I escalated to an 8 and then to a fantasmigastic 9. I started sweating and kind of choking it hurt so bad, told Kurt I’d call him when I was done and gripped a chair.
Eva, Tippi and Asa rotated so I was never alone, they kept me talking and told me about breaks and soft tissue damage they had experienced thus far. For some reason the pain subsided and first round of x-rays I was all smiles and jokes, telling everyone about derby. Then everyone left and I was alone in the xray room. That’s when it hit me again, what I had just done, and tears spurted out of my eyes. The xray tech came back in the room and I wiped my eyes and she said, “honey, you’re gonna be fine and there’s no use crying now, it’s already happened.” Well, she was right.
Over the next couple of hours, they shot my hand full of lidocaine and straightened out my broken and dislocated digits and re-xrayed them, re-xrayed them again after that and splinted them. While the doctor was splinting my hand, someone came in and asked if my husband was coming to pick me up. Again, no, I’m not married, your boyfriend then? ”It’s ok, I have a friend who’s coming.” The doctor looked at me, looked at the other derby girls who had not left my side, winked and said,” you don’t need a man do you? ” I laughed and said nothing. I was pretty surprised that the fact that I was a massage therapist with a broken hand was nothing to these people compared to the utter despair they felt over the fact that I was 35 and single.
My friend Kurt picked me up and already had the seat warmers on high in his car. We giggled and looked at all the gnarly pictures I got of my busted up hand. We started to drive and I shivered as he brought me to the 24 hour CVS on Monroe to get my script for painkillers and that’s when I lost it for the 3rd time. Total waterworks. He asked me to tell him all the reasons I was crying.
1)I just broke my hand
2)I just moved here to be massage therapist
3)I wouldn’t be able to play in the first home bout
4) and apparently the fact that I’m single in this city is really upsetting a lot of people
We got to the CVS and we placed my script order for Vicadin and I started to realize I hadn’t eaten since about noon and it was now 1a.m. We scanned the snack aisle and I fought back more tears, I could no longer make decisions. He asked me what I wanted I said I don’t care. I said the last decision I made broke my hand, I’m off decisions, you decide what I should eat, you know what I like, we go out to eat at least once a week. ”NOT IN AISLE 9 AT THE CVS!” was his response. To which we both promptly started laughing hysterically. He chose some stuff for me and we went to pay the kindly Transgender cashier Desiree at the front. She said, “oh honey, is it broke bad?” I said, “I’m not sure, but I bet I heal fast.” She said, “well, I hope that heals up before summer, cuz baby, casts do NOT match with a bikini, OK?”
When we walked away Kurt asked if I thought Desiree was at one point a man, I looked at him and said “did you see the size of that 6′5″ woman’s adam’s apple? Yeah I’m pretty sure. Yeah.” Again, we giggled.
Kurt drove me home, got me in the house and we started making a list of things that are impossible with one hand, I wasn’t even sure I could brush my teeth at that point. Did I mention it was my dominant hand I broke? Yeah. So after going into the bathroom to see if I could get undressed, bra and all, I came out bathrobed and asked him to put up my hair so I could shower. In the mean time, Kurt had made me a list.
When you break your fingers, three things are true:
1) It is a pain in the ass!
2) it is 100% workable!
3)IT IS TEMPORARY
And, as an added bonus: when you are as cool as Alexis Croucher,
4) Your friends totally help you out!!
I cried a little more after I read his list and he hugged me and left and I stood in the middle of my tiny house thinking what in good god’s name was I going to do? So I took a shower.
The next day, after telling my mother, ahem, telling my brothers, ahem ahem, telling my bosses, ahem, hem, uhhhh ahem, ahem, telling my friends, ahhh, huh, hem, ahem, hack, hehehe, and telling the bank teller, I found that even when you up and order a huge plate of pooh for dinner, Rochester gives you a lovely aperitif, a dessert tray, a cheese plate even.
I was in the bank and the teller had asked me what happened, I was telling her and from behind me comes this very excited voice. ”Do you know Millhouse of Pain?” I turn and see a short man, sitting on a railing by a desk, I say yes, I just bought my elbow pads from her, I’m Natasha, Natasha Musquashya. ”Yeah” he says, “she’s a physical therapist with us, whadjya do? I mean, I can see you broke your hand but what’s going on with it?” ” Well,” I say, “I got the pictures of the xrays right here, do you want to see them?” And I show this man the x-rays of my broken hand without knowing who he is or what he does and he takes one look and says, “Yeah, you’re gonna need surgery.” NO NO NO, I’ll be fine, I’ll be out of the splint in a week and I’ll be playing in the fist bout. He looks again and sees my crushed bones and says “Trust me, it’s what I do, you’re gonna need wires, Belsy procedure, surgery Natasha.”
I didn’t want to believe him. At all. But he was so smiley and so confident and I did need to make a follow up with an orthopedic surgeon so, I took his card. His office manager and secretary were with him, they booked me an appointment at that moment, in the lobby of the bank, they confirmed that they accepted my insurance and as he was about to walk out he looked back and said, “listen Natasha, Carl Jung said ‘Synchronicity is the experience of two or more events which are casually unrelated occurring in a meaningful manner’ or something like that, basically there’s no such thing as coincidence, I’ll see you next week.”
I stood there for a minute smiling to myself in the lobby of the bank on Park Ave., and I looked around for someone to share the moment with. The bank teller was watching and she smiled at me. I picked up my broken paw and waved at her and said “I love this city!”
