I’m jumping the, well, let’s just say I’m getting ahead of myself already. But I do want to go on record right away with saying it’s never to early to start planning for Spinsterhood. There are a number of ways you can go about this from a fairly young age, depending on your upbringing, family story, sibling situation et al. Personally, I went the route of A) having a State Trooper for a father B) having three older aggressively protective brothers and C) being the sort of young girl who would do cartwheels down the street and talk to herself out loud, no matter what the social situation. Personally I found the combination of these choices to be a great platform for early Spinster training. Let’s go through them individually as to help you choose your best path.
Having a father in law enforcement is priceless. Some might say a preacher father is the way to go, but I say different. I think the daughter of the preacher man is getting on the fast track to becoming the mayor of Sluttown. I think if you are truly serious about a life devoted to hobbies, animals, gardening, baking, continuing education and all the glory that being a Spinster will allow, you’re best bet is to go with the law enforcer patriarchy. Firstly, they will most likely not even allow dating until a much later age then the rest of your cohorts which will help tremendously in stunting emotional growth as well as learning about personal boundaries. Once you do convince them to let you start dating, the rules will be so strident that few will pass the initial criteria. If a boy calls on you and does not remove his baseball hat upon entering the home, you can cross him off the list. If he does not have a strong (enough) handshake, delete. If he uses any colloquialism of the time, nix. If he has shifty eyes, bye bye. If anyone in his extended family has ever been jailed, arrested or pulled over for any traffic violation including jay walking, syanora. If he for any reason is deemed someone who “pisses in the gutter” or ”wouldn’t know his ass from his armpit” then he shall not be welcomed in the home. This is great, because this is going to eliminate most young lads from any possibility of becoming a future suitor, let alone a long term boyfriend.
As you move forward from this, you’ll find that most possible gentlemen callers will find out quickly through locker room talk and the like that you are unattainable and not in that she’s-so-gorgeous-and mature-she-only-dates-college-guys way but more of a her-dad-will-totally-arrest-you-if-you-go-near-her-and-you-just-got-your-permit kind of way. I cannot stress enough how important this kind of early isolation and separation is to a bourgeoning Spinster. If any do make it through the first round of dates and are admitted into the house again for a second date, be sure that your law enforcement father not only collects and displays a Utah Mormon’s amount of firearms but also takes them out, handles them and cleans them at the kitchen table on date night. And that, that will ensure major emotional stunting if for no other reason, because it will be normal to you, and you won’t realize the aggressive threat it sends out. You will have no clue that you are welcoming a possible love into your home only to scare the bejeezus out of him. If he quakes even the slightest you will think him odd, perhaps wimpy or you will assume he’s a homosexual (if true, you will make him your best friend) and you will end it before he can turn and run.
