Retirement. I endorse it. I have recently declared full retirement and it is liberating. Like, truly freeing. For the first, no, wait, second time in my life I have retired from the game. I have to admit, in early spring of 2011 I bought 9 reams of yarn, grey and red, I had every intention of crocheting myself a lovely blanket. A Spinster shawl if you will. It was the softest yarn I could afford. I got the first 9 rows completed. Gorgeous, grey yarn stretching two and a half yards. I was going to be able to wrap it around me while I cozied on the couch with a lap top, a book, a movie and a coffee. And then I remembered I fucking hate crocheting. Totally. I can’t stand it. So I unraveled and 15 minutes later I met a gentleman who pulled me out of retirement. Long story short, I found myself being asked to leave the playing field or else I wouldn’t be writing this.
I think accepting a true retirement is paramount to Spinsterdom. But don’t think it’s just something you can do on any given Sunday, this is no easy task. I admit freely, retirement was something I said flippantly at first. ”I’m retiring!” I declared it cavalierly like some sort of swashbuckling hero ripping a knife into a ship’s sail and careening down it, gathering up the damsel (which incidentally is me). See the Sloth saving Chunk scene in The Goonies movie for imagery. But within a few days of declaring it I was invited out by my favorite group of lesbians and while I felt that was the safest choice for a newly retired Spinster, there was a straight male friend in their group who I suddenly was batting eyelashes at. Not exactly the maneuvers of a retired player. I remember waiting in line for the bathroom when I realized what I was doing and I promptly gathered my shawl around me and left. In hindsight it was a clear indication that I was not ready to quit yet. Honestly I think it’s like quitting smoking, I think maybe there has to be a few attempts, maybe multiple, but like quitting smoking, it can only happen when the person is truly ready. I wasn’t ready that last time. Like I said, I was swept off my feet and in a full court press swoon about a month after that attempt at retirement. While completely worth it, not the path to Spinstertown.
Here’s the hardest part of Spinsterdom, let’s just name it. It’s not the what will I do with my time factor. You will never not be busy. Ever. Even if you spend the rest of your life only going through pinster, the fb and online stalking your big ex, you will never, ever not be busy. Even with the amount of time you might normally spend doting on a companion, laughing with them, cooking with them, rolling in the hay, trust you will fill your alone hours with ease. You could work out 3 hours a day on top of your own work, on top of making beautiful food, on top of sports, on top of crafts, but you still may not feel at peace. And for this I say retire. The sooner you can accept full retirement the sooner you will feel content. And when I say accept I mean true, deep in your heart, not even when you blink, not even if Dave Grohl, George Clooney or that one ex came a-calling, not even at Rainer Rilke’s 3am wake up call type of acceptance. Like, the way I accept that I hate cooked carrots. It becomes a given. I never need to try them again. I know they will always leave me with a headache. The way I feel about stringy onions. I don’t need to add them to a different dish to know that they will make me gag. It’s just that simple and just that complicated. I can’t even count how many times have I tried both of those food items only to experience a headache and a full Cranial Nerve IIIV stimulation. This kind of commitment is not for the faint of heartstrings. Retirement requires closing down profiles on online dating accounts. It means when standing in line at the local coffee shop, at the grocery store, at the local movie theater, there’s no side long glance at the handsome gentleman behind you. It means when out with friends, simply being out with friends. It means if you go to a coffee shop to read you better be doing it because you like the atmosphere and the joe because if you get approached you have to know how to be gracious and how to turn someone down. I’ve considered putting a ring on my left hand, to appear legally unavailable but I think that’s cheating. Like I said, the liberation is in the full commitment. Knowing fully and deeply that I never have to wonder if he’ll call or if it’s ok for me to call him first has allowed my heart to soar wide open. It’s like being a teenager playing sports, there is no concern or even contemplation of getting hurt. Ever. I can safely go about my day and not feel the anxiety of being unsure if he is the one, or if he was and I somehow screwed it up. In retirement, there are no screw ups, there is no questioning of when will I meet the right guy for me. In retirement a Spinster can truly be free from that and know, she won’t meet the right guy. The pressure is off. Her life can truly be about her, not about the search for love. Never again will you have to cry alone in your kitchen wondering how long it will be before you are over him because in retirement, it doesn’t matter how long it takes. Eventually you will get over him. That’s a fact. And as long as you stay true to your new commitment, you can be grateful that you will never feel the pain of a broken heart again.
